A baffling porn "parody", if you dare call it that, of James Cameron's seminal tech noir flick The Terminator (1984) and to be frank it seems a little too late to the game to really cash-in on the former's success.
The Xterminator is a SOV cheapie from Paradise Visuals, directed by Michael Phillips, who's curiously only credited as 'Adam'. It appears Phillips made a few porn parodies in the 80s including: Sexbusters! (1984), Hollywood Vice (1984), The Xterminator (1986), and Ramb-Ohh! (1986 - also produced by Paradise Visuals).

Starring: Tony Martino (credited as Tony Martin), Steve Drake, Patti Petite, Trinity Loren, Kari Foxx, Marc Wallice, Shanna McCullough and Rick Savage.

A case can be made for movies that maybe aren't so good themselves, but at least have great poster, or VHS / DVD art and theres no two ways about it the VHS art for The Xterminator is fucking rad, I just wish it had a semblance of a plot. I found it difficult to pull screengrabs for this since the majority of runtime is screwing.
It opens with what is a mostly POV driving montage, followed by another POV from our cyborg protagonist pressing the intercom of a seemingly random upper class house. When a blonde woman in a dress that looks like a toga opens the door, instead of asking "Sarah Connor?" he barely utters a word, and when he does begin to speak it sounds as though he's suffered a near catastrophic brain injury.



The gist of the story sees the Xterminator (Tony Martin) visit a house of decadence after reading about it in a newspaper, he's given a guided tour by the hostess (Patti Petite) to see if there's anything in particular he likes. Everything he (and we're) shown is a hetero-teenagers wet dream: straight sex, lesbian sex, a woman with two guys, a guy with two girls, eventually the Xterminator settles on wanting a round with the hostess herself. She returns afterwards with another four girls for the man-droid to satisfy, ending with a scene in which the Xterminator runs from gal to gal with aching tool spurting engine oil; that's a euphemism, yo.
The movie does end on a kind of humourous note with the doorbell ringing once again and the hostess opening the door and exclaiming to the camera "Oh my god, not another one!"

Interspersed throughout each sex-vignette are an assortment of truly hilarious Terminator-vision like screens with text being typed/displayed, effectively acting as thoughts; an insight into the teenage-like mechanical mind of our sex-obsessed 'borg. They not only make the movie all the more bearable, but nudge it into the realm of cult film status. Remarking on pair of lesbians with "interesting" and "taking turns, that seems fair." had me in stitches, a little later on during the scene with Wallice & co, he remarks "what a nice human, holding their antennas to keep them warm."



Also notable for an appearance from the walking AIDS epidemic, Marc Wallice, pre-AIDS of course, where his enthusiasm during his scene, and perhaps towards appearing in The Xterminator altogether, was offset against my own enthusiasm for wanting to smash the fast forward button every 5-10 seconds.

It's absolute garbage that holds a mere modicum of charm, can only loosely be described as a film, when in actual fact it's a near nonstop succession of mediocre, poorly framed and focused fuck scenes that lead-up to the tried and true, porno film standard, orgy scene. 'xcept this one features the titular Xterminator satisfying 4 chicks...at the same time. Eventually, he climaxes, multiple times too I might add, all the while repeatedly stating "I'm coming" in a thick, terrible, barely resembling-Austrian accent.

Just in case you're not completely sold on this thing, here's two bonus Xterminator 'thoughts'.



The music will also drive you fuckin' nuts; a concoction Casio keyboard blips and beeps, backed by an electronic drumbeat (curse that snare!), it could be classified as a cruel and unusual punishment by the UN.

Worth watching solely for the absurdity factor and the only thing to fear missing using fast forward is the aforementioned 'Xterminator vision' that periodically appear across the screen, other than that there's not really much else to pull from, or say about The Xterminator.